Difficult Day

It has been quite a while since I have written a blog entry and I decided that it was just the thing that I needed to just let some emotions out I guess.

Today for some reason was a very difficult day and was emotionally draining. Jay and I are planning on taking Joel, Caroline and my two little brothers, Matthew and Nicholas, down to Florida for a week of relaxation in the sun and also to go and see our little nephew and cousin, Joshua, be dedicated at their church next Sunday. As the time draws closer to leaving on Friday, these harsh realities are washing over me that I am just not prepared for. I am really looking forward to a wonderful time of visiting and fun times and memories with my family and my two brothers and my sister and her family. However there is going to be one major thing missing, our mom. I can't imagine not going to visit my sister without her because that has almost always been the arrangement before. There is going to be such a void without her conversation and laughter and it hurts so bad sometimes that I can barely breathe.

I have really been battling so many feelings of anger and biterness at times that all I can do is cry out to My God to carry my through the low times. I still don't understand why God is calling her home to be with him. After everything that our family has beared over the last 8 years, I just want to know why this trial? I feel as if we have been through our "fair" share and don't understand why we have been given so many heartaches while so many other families and individuals may never endure a portion of what my mom has. I also ask God a lot as to why certain people get 2nd chances but my mom doesn't? I have often told my husband that we can deal with cancer. That's fine, bring it on! But why this type of cancer? A cancer that the doctors told us, if you have to have a brain tumor, you don't want this one. Why that one? I know that when our mom leaves us, she is going to a far better place than we can ever imagine, but I want to be selfish and keep her here. All I think about anymore are all the things that she will miss. So many firsts in her grandkids lives like first words and steps, baseball games, dance recitals, childrens musicals. But most of all my heart aches for the bigger things that she will miss like Nicholas graduating high school, Matthew performing on ONU's stage and eventually graduating from there. Getting to meet her future daughter-in-laws and going to the weddings and getting to know any of the boys' kids. All of these things would bring our mom so much joy! She is the proudest mom and mimi you would ever meet, and the best one too!

One of the hardest things today was going to mom's house to pick up something real quickly. While Jay ran in, the kids and I sat in the car. Joel kept calling the house Indzy and Bencer's (Aunt Lindsay and Uncle Spencer). They have been staying there when they come to visit so he now associates the house with them. When I corrected him and gently said no, this is mimi's house, you could tell he was confused. It was tearing me apart inside. I have been trying to prepare myself for certain memories to fade for him but that was so hard. That used to be his favorite place to go, but all he knows now is going to my grandma and grandpas to visit mimi in her room. I am so grateful that mom got to meet my kids, but it is difficult knowing that they won't remember her. They will only know her through pictures and what I tell them about her. And I know that there will be more babies later on that I won't have the privelage of taking their picture with her. I know that there is never a good time to go through something like this and I would always be left with wanting something more but this truly is too soon to have to say goodbye.

Music has always been a huge part of our lives because of our mom and a lot of days that is what gets me through. Since I spend a lot of time in the car running back and forth either to be with mom or just errands, K Love is always on and God always provides the right song at the exact time that I need it. Lately I have been hearing "Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns and thinking so much about the lyrics so once again, I thought I would share.

I was sure by now God you would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
that it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear you whisper through the rain,
I'm with you
and as your mercy falls
I raise my hand and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm,
and I will lift my hands
that you are who you are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
you hold in your hand
you never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm.

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
you heard my cry you raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find you
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear you whisper through the rain
I'm with you
and as your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
that you are who you are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
you hold in your hand
you've never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm

I lift my eyes unto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of Heaven and Earth
I lift my eyes unto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of Heaven and Earth.


Thank you for letting me share my heart. Our family has been so blessed with such a great support system filled with wonderful friends! We love you all so much!