Break the silence

As of lately Jay and I have really had to make some adjustments in our spending and tighten the purse strings quite a bit. Because of this recent change, I have been spending more time at home which leaves me with a lot of quiet time. I have found my quiet time to be filled with being still and listening to God. Over the last year and a half I have really been on a whirlwind adventure in my relationship with God. So many things have been on my mind lately that I have been wanting to write out but just simply have not made the time for.

One of the things that has really been weighing heavy on my mind came up this past Friday. Friday was any other day really, but for our family it is an anniversary of sorts. Not the kind of anniversary that you care to remember but it is forever engraved in your memory. September 4th, 2001 was the day that our dad walked out on us. I really struggled with it this year with all of the circumstances surrounding my moms battle with brain cancer and how things just did not turn out the way I would have them to. However during my morning prayer time, God really spoke to my heart about the last 8 years. On the day that my dad left, I did nothing short of turn my back on God and harden my heart towards Him. For five and a half years, I tried to make my own way and failed time and time again. I was living a life that I knew was wrong but didn't care because I had numbed myself towards all things having to do with God. I know that my mom, grandparents and many friends were praying for me.

So many times when something bad happens, people want to blame God as to why He let it happen. That was true in my case. However, now I realize the truth, that is, God gives us all free will and it is up to us what we will do with it. God does not want to force us to love and serve Him. He wants us to choose it for ourselves so that it is genuine.

In July of 2006, the life that I had tried to build on my own was spiraling out of control. I was 3 months pregnant with our son Joel at the time and had lost my job, and in the midst of looking for a new job, ended up having to have an emergency appendectomy. The money was scarce already and now we had a monumental hospital bill to pay and I was laid up, unable to work. Looking back now, I know that God was clearly trying to get my attention, screaming my name, but I didn't listen. To be quite honest, there were days that I felt Jay and I would not make it. God works in awesome ways however. In January of 2007, when Joel was a couple of weeks old, I remember being in the shower early one morning and all of a sudden I just started crying and broke down. I knew that I wanted the very best for my little boy and I wanted to raise him the very best way that I knew how and that I could not do that on my own. God spoke to my heart through this tiny little miracle of a baby that is a direct blessing from Him.

I have been so timid about sharing my testimony up until this point because I wasn't comfortable sharing it. However that is another thing that has been revealed to me through my quiet time of listening. It's not my story, it's Gods and he wants to use it. So as to my second thought, the sin of silence. I have been working on a study called "Share Jesus Without Fear" with a few of the high school girls from our church that focuses on evangelizing. There is an excerpt that I would like to share with you on the sin of silence out of my workbook :

"Debate has flourished about which of the wounds inflicted on Jesus actually caused His death. Among the many wounds He received were lacerations, punctures, abrasions, and contusions. there is a sense in which we can say that non of these killed Jesus. The wound that killed Him was silence. No one spoke up for Him. One of the most painful incidents in the life of Jesus was Peter's denial of Him the night before His crucifixion. Three times Peter was asked if he was on who followed Jesus and three times he said, "No"."

Sharing my testimony, as I have said, has been a struggle for a long time. I don't like stepping out of my comfort zone quite honestly. I like it where I am. But with the help of God through prayer and scripture, I am taking those first tiny baby steps outside of my comfort zone. Over the last year and a half, my heart has been set on fire and I feel passionate about sharing with others what has happened, that I am not the same person.

God really took a not so good Friday and turned it into a great one when I let Him speak to my heart. He took me back and showed me how far He has brought me in the last eight years. Even though I tried to ignore Him and do it on my own, He was right there with me the whole time, waiting. What a perfect, unconditional love. So I encourage you to take Psalms 46:10 to heart today:

"Be still, and know that I am God."