Break the silence

As of lately Jay and I have really had to make some adjustments in our spending and tighten the purse strings quite a bit. Because of this recent change, I have been spending more time at home which leaves me with a lot of quiet time. I have found my quiet time to be filled with being still and listening to God. Over the last year and a half I have really been on a whirlwind adventure in my relationship with God. So many things have been on my mind lately that I have been wanting to write out but just simply have not made the time for.

One of the things that has really been weighing heavy on my mind came up this past Friday. Friday was any other day really, but for our family it is an anniversary of sorts. Not the kind of anniversary that you care to remember but it is forever engraved in your memory. September 4th, 2001 was the day that our dad walked out on us. I really struggled with it this year with all of the circumstances surrounding my moms battle with brain cancer and how things just did not turn out the way I would have them to. However during my morning prayer time, God really spoke to my heart about the last 8 years. On the day that my dad left, I did nothing short of turn my back on God and harden my heart towards Him. For five and a half years, I tried to make my own way and failed time and time again. I was living a life that I knew was wrong but didn't care because I had numbed myself towards all things having to do with God. I know that my mom, grandparents and many friends were praying for me.

So many times when something bad happens, people want to blame God as to why He let it happen. That was true in my case. However, now I realize the truth, that is, God gives us all free will and it is up to us what we will do with it. God does not want to force us to love and serve Him. He wants us to choose it for ourselves so that it is genuine.

In July of 2006, the life that I had tried to build on my own was spiraling out of control. I was 3 months pregnant with our son Joel at the time and had lost my job, and in the midst of looking for a new job, ended up having to have an emergency appendectomy. The money was scarce already and now we had a monumental hospital bill to pay and I was laid up, unable to work. Looking back now, I know that God was clearly trying to get my attention, screaming my name, but I didn't listen. To be quite honest, there were days that I felt Jay and I would not make it. God works in awesome ways however. In January of 2007, when Joel was a couple of weeks old, I remember being in the shower early one morning and all of a sudden I just started crying and broke down. I knew that I wanted the very best for my little boy and I wanted to raise him the very best way that I knew how and that I could not do that on my own. God spoke to my heart through this tiny little miracle of a baby that is a direct blessing from Him.

I have been so timid about sharing my testimony up until this point because I wasn't comfortable sharing it. However that is another thing that has been revealed to me through my quiet time of listening. It's not my story, it's Gods and he wants to use it. So as to my second thought, the sin of silence. I have been working on a study called "Share Jesus Without Fear" with a few of the high school girls from our church that focuses on evangelizing. There is an excerpt that I would like to share with you on the sin of silence out of my workbook :

"Debate has flourished about which of the wounds inflicted on Jesus actually caused His death. Among the many wounds He received were lacerations, punctures, abrasions, and contusions. there is a sense in which we can say that non of these killed Jesus. The wound that killed Him was silence. No one spoke up for Him. One of the most painful incidents in the life of Jesus was Peter's denial of Him the night before His crucifixion. Three times Peter was asked if he was on who followed Jesus and three times he said, "No"."

Sharing my testimony, as I have said, has been a struggle for a long time. I don't like stepping out of my comfort zone quite honestly. I like it where I am. But with the help of God through prayer and scripture, I am taking those first tiny baby steps outside of my comfort zone. Over the last year and a half, my heart has been set on fire and I feel passionate about sharing with others what has happened, that I am not the same person.

God really took a not so good Friday and turned it into a great one when I let Him speak to my heart. He took me back and showed me how far He has brought me in the last eight years. Even though I tried to ignore Him and do it on my own, He was right there with me the whole time, waiting. What a perfect, unconditional love. So I encourage you to take Psalms 46:10 to heart today:

"Be still, and know that I am God."

Difficult Day

It has been quite a while since I have written a blog entry and I decided that it was just the thing that I needed to just let some emotions out I guess.

Today for some reason was a very difficult day and was emotionally draining. Jay and I are planning on taking Joel, Caroline and my two little brothers, Matthew and Nicholas, down to Florida for a week of relaxation in the sun and also to go and see our little nephew and cousin, Joshua, be dedicated at their church next Sunday. As the time draws closer to leaving on Friday, these harsh realities are washing over me that I am just not prepared for. I am really looking forward to a wonderful time of visiting and fun times and memories with my family and my two brothers and my sister and her family. However there is going to be one major thing missing, our mom. I can't imagine not going to visit my sister without her because that has almost always been the arrangement before. There is going to be such a void without her conversation and laughter and it hurts so bad sometimes that I can barely breathe.

I have really been battling so many feelings of anger and biterness at times that all I can do is cry out to My God to carry my through the low times. I still don't understand why God is calling her home to be with him. After everything that our family has beared over the last 8 years, I just want to know why this trial? I feel as if we have been through our "fair" share and don't understand why we have been given so many heartaches while so many other families and individuals may never endure a portion of what my mom has. I also ask God a lot as to why certain people get 2nd chances but my mom doesn't? I have often told my husband that we can deal with cancer. That's fine, bring it on! But why this type of cancer? A cancer that the doctors told us, if you have to have a brain tumor, you don't want this one. Why that one? I know that when our mom leaves us, she is going to a far better place than we can ever imagine, but I want to be selfish and keep her here. All I think about anymore are all the things that she will miss. So many firsts in her grandkids lives like first words and steps, baseball games, dance recitals, childrens musicals. But most of all my heart aches for the bigger things that she will miss like Nicholas graduating high school, Matthew performing on ONU's stage and eventually graduating from there. Getting to meet her future daughter-in-laws and going to the weddings and getting to know any of the boys' kids. All of these things would bring our mom so much joy! She is the proudest mom and mimi you would ever meet, and the best one too!

One of the hardest things today was going to mom's house to pick up something real quickly. While Jay ran in, the kids and I sat in the car. Joel kept calling the house Indzy and Bencer's (Aunt Lindsay and Uncle Spencer). They have been staying there when they come to visit so he now associates the house with them. When I corrected him and gently said no, this is mimi's house, you could tell he was confused. It was tearing me apart inside. I have been trying to prepare myself for certain memories to fade for him but that was so hard. That used to be his favorite place to go, but all he knows now is going to my grandma and grandpas to visit mimi in her room. I am so grateful that mom got to meet my kids, but it is difficult knowing that they won't remember her. They will only know her through pictures and what I tell them about her. And I know that there will be more babies later on that I won't have the privelage of taking their picture with her. I know that there is never a good time to go through something like this and I would always be left with wanting something more but this truly is too soon to have to say goodbye.

Music has always been a huge part of our lives because of our mom and a lot of days that is what gets me through. Since I spend a lot of time in the car running back and forth either to be with mom or just errands, K Love is always on and God always provides the right song at the exact time that I need it. Lately I have been hearing "Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns and thinking so much about the lyrics so once again, I thought I would share.

I was sure by now God you would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
that it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear you whisper through the rain,
I'm with you
and as your mercy falls
I raise my hand and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm,
and I will lift my hands
that you are who you are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
you hold in your hand
you never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm.

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
you heard my cry you raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find you
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear you whisper through the rain
I'm with you
and as your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
that you are who you are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
you hold in your hand
you've never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm

I lift my eyes unto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of Heaven and Earth
I lift my eyes unto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of Heaven and Earth.


Thank you for letting me share my heart. Our family has been so blessed with such a great support system filled with wonderful friends! We love you all so much!

One Long Night

Oh my goodness! What an adventurous 22 hours it has been for our family to say the very least. Yesterday was a normal day. I got around to go in to town and visit with my mom at my grandma and grandpas house. Joel decided that he wanted to go to Jay's mom and dad's so that he could play for the day with his cousin that was visiting from out of town. So Caroline and I loaded up and went to Maw Maw and Paw Paw's by ourselves. We had plans to go out to Tokyo Steakhouse, a hibachi grill, for my younger brothers birthday for dinner. So I decided to head home around 3:00 so that the kids could get a half ways decent nap and give Joel a bath before heading back into town. As soon as I pulled into Jay's parents driveway his mom met me at the car and said that Joel had had an accident. This is nothing new as he seems to be quite accident prone. He is constantly tripping over his own feet or falling from running to fast and just being a high energy 2 year old boy. So my mother-in-law told me that they had been across the street playing on the school jungle gym and he had fallen off of the slide and they couldn't get him to stop crying. This had just happened 10 minutes prior to my getting there. I figured that he was probably just scared more than anything and would calm down with time. As soon as I walked into the house and saw him I knew that he had really hurt himself. He was crying but not too badly and his left arm was just dangling at his side like a limp noodle. So I swapped kids with my mother-in-law loading Joel up for a trip to the ER and leaving Caroline with them.

Once we got to the ER they asked me what we were there for and I told them that I thought he had a broken arm. The nurse came out and poked around at his arm and hand for just a second and told me she was certain that it was his collar bone which was not what I wanted to hear because I knew that there wouldn't be a cast that they could put onto it so the healing process would be more difficult. I felt so terrible for Joel because he was in so much pain but he didn't hardly cry because when he cried it would move his shoulder causing him more pain. They immediately got us settled into a room and then took us back for X Rays of his clavical and shoulder. Almost immediately, the attending ER doctor came in, so I knew that it could not very good news. He said that Joel had a 90 degree break just under his shoulder and his arm was displaced from the socket. If you can imagine a ball shape that makes up your shoulder, his arm should have been hanging straight down from that ball, it was instead out and directly in front with a clean brake. The doctor was amazed at how he was handling the excruciating pain and said that a grown man would have been laying there screaming like a little girl (what a brave boy). The doctor told me at that point it was going to require surgery and that the Orthopedic Surgeon was on his way and planned on doing surgery as soon as Joel's stomach emptied. At this point Jay wasn't there, so you can only imagine as a mommy what I was going through. Thankfully Jay did get there shortly after and I filled him on everything. Once the surgeon got there he talked to us about the surgery and said that they were looking at a couple of different options. They were first going to try and do what is called a closed reduction which is what would be the most desirable. If that didn't work then they would have to make an incision and try to place it back in place and hopefully it would hold on its own and if not then they would have to place some pins in Joel's shoulder which we really didn't want.

Around 8:15 they came and got us to go down to surgery and they let me carry him down to the floor that he was going to be on but then a surgery nurse came and took him from me and that was the hardest thing that I ever had to do was hand off my little boy to a complete stranger while he is in pain and screaming for me. Joel had to be put under general anesthesia and they said that he did so well with that and went right to sleep. Thankfully they were able to give him a lesser dose of the anesthesia and did not have to place the tube down his throat like they thought they would have to. That was a great relief because I just remember how agitated my mom got from being tubed and did not want to have to go through that again and with a toddler. Praise God that He was watching over my baby and the doctor was able to do the closed reduction on his little arm. Joel has a plaster splint to hold his elbow in place and then his arm is ace bandaged to his little body to hold it as still as possible. That will be there for four weeks so unfortunately there will be no swimming in our future on those hot summer days. We were told that it will take about 4 weeks for the break to heal and it could take about 3 months before Joel has full range of motion back into his arm and uses it like normal so please pray for that since he does tend to favor his left hand...

In the mean time, Dr. Copeland will become Joel's new friend as we will be going to visit him quite a bit over the next year at the least. More surgery could possibly be in Joel's future since he is so young and it is hard to keep him as still as he needs to be to let it heal properly. Pray that it does not come to that and it will heal properly and without further problems. We will be going back for the next two weeks for more X Rays to make sure it is coming along nicely and then every two weeks, 2 months and six months after that. Thank you for all of your prayers up to this point and continued prayers for Joel's comfort and healing. We appreciate it so much!

I Will Rise

Man what a late night! I am usually never up this late now that I have kids but tonight was an exception. I had to make a little trip into town and was listening to K Love radio station when Chris Tomlins, I Will Rise, came on. I absolutely love that song and couldn't help but jack the radio up and sing at the top of my lungs just letting the Lord's presence wash over me. It was so welcomed after a very long day. I just thought that for those of you that may never have heard the song that I would post the lyrics because they are just so amazing to think about.

There's a peace I've come to know

Though my heart and flesh may fail

There's an anchor for my soul

I can say, "It is well"

Jesus has overcome

And the grave is overwhelmed

The victory is won

He is risen from the dead

I will rise when He calls my name

No more sorrow, no more pain

I will rise on eagles' wings

Before my God, fall on my knees

And rise

I will rise

There's a day thats drawing near

When this darkness breaks to light

And the shadows disappear

And my faith shall be my eyes

I will rise when he calls my name

No more sorrow, no more pain

I will rise on eagles' wings

Before my God, fall on my knees

And rise

I will rise

And I hear the voice of many angels sing, "Worthy is the Lamb!"

And I hear the cry of every longing heart, "Worthy is the Lamb!"

You are Worthy!

You are Worthy!

With everything that we have been going through over the last 7 months throughout my moms illness, this song just brings me so much joy and gives me goosebumps every time I hear it. And usually brings me to tears. I am so thankful for the wonderful Christian heritage that I come from and pray that Jay and I can be such  wonderful, shining examples to our children of Christ's love. I am so thankful for the promise of eternal life and that even though my mom is struggling in her earthly body, that is just temporary. She will someday get to be in a place more beautiful than our minds can even begin to fathom. She will be free of cancer and suffering and her heavenly body will be whole and perfect. I have my days when I want to be selfish and keep my mom here with me but I know that God has far better plans for her and knows what is best. However, my family and I can rest in the knowledge that we will only be separated for a short while in the scheme of things, and that someday we will all reunite and rejoice together forever!  I hope that possibly these song lyrics bring you some peace as they do for me. 

Just like the good old days....kind of.

Tonight was such a wonderful night. Jay and I got the chance to go out on a date night thanks to some friends of ours that took the kids for the evening. It has been quite some time since we have been able to go anywhere alone because of Jay's work schedule and the time that I have been spending with my mom. We always seem to go to the same ole' same ole' when we go out to eat and are stuck in a rut. Since we didn't have the kids, we decided to try somewhere that we would never usually try and decided to go to Asian Grill. It was so good! I am not usually so daring, but what the heck! We ended up ordering tempura vegetables and shared a sushi dish. Jay ate the raw stuff and I ate the California roll which was really delicious. I am more than willing to try a new restaurant, but I refuse to eat raw fish. It's the whole texture thing that really gets to me. Afterwards we made our usual after dinner trip to the grocery store that is a given wether we have the kids with us or not. Then we went on to Panera for some coffee.

It's so funny how much things change from when you start dating someone to what they turn into after you are married and then add children to the mix. When Jay and I first started dating, our dates usually consisted of a 3 course dinner somewhere really nice and at the earliest, around 8:00. Then we would make a trip to Wal-Mart just to walk around and check out things and just buy whatever caught our eye and our hearts desired. Usually, when we were dating, our night would end with a trip to George House and we would take it back to my moms to sit on the porch swing and talk late into the night about our future together. Now a days, our dates consist of a dinner without dessert since we have figures to watch (why can't our metabolisms be the same as they were when we were teenagers) and are nice and early since we are home by 8:00 for bedtime for the kids and are ready to get into our pajamas after a long day. We still include the trip to Wal-Mart but now it is a quick in and out for the needed items, such as a gallon of milk and diapers. And well the coffee...who can justify spending $10.00 on two cups of coffee? Anymore we head to Speedway for a $1.00 cup of coffee. Big spenders, I know, but hey! Tastes pretty good to me! The greatest change that has occurred, however, is the topics of our conversation. We no longer talk about our hopeful dreams of the future, but the realities of them. We still have dreams of the future of course, but all of the things that we were "dreaming" of when we were just a young teenage couple in love, have become our realities. We discuss the adorable faces and noises that Caroline made today, or her latest milestone. Or the funniest thing that Joel has said or done lately that makes us laugh.

When Jay and I started dating almost 7 years ago, I would have never imagined that this is where we would be but I wouldn't change one second of it for anything. I have been so wonderfully blessed by the Lord and I can't help but sing His praises for all that He has done for me. I can honestly say that I fall more in love with my husband every day that we are together and I am so thankful that we have that kind of relationship. Of course we have bad days, but they only make the great days even better! Well that is all the babbling I have time for tonight. I love you Jaybird! I love our time together. Even though dates are hard to come by, it is that more special when they do come around. I am so thankful for you and your love for me and our kids.

Gorgeous Day!

Man! Today was such a gorgeous day. The down side of living in Ohio is how unpredictable the weather is going to be.  Especially this time of year. One day it is hot and sunny and the next day it is rainy and cold as can be. We have been stuck inside a lot lately so the kids and I took advantage of the beautiful weather and headed to the park for the afternoon. It is so nice now that Joel is old enough to climb all of the equipment by himself at the children's park and I don't have to be right next to him every second. He loves to go to the park and run around like the wild man that he is and make new friends with the other children on the playground. I am hoping that Jay and I can find something fun to do tonight with the kids. We talked about taking Joel to go miniature golfing possibly. Tomorrow is supposed to be really hot so we might head to the pool for the first time this summer to keep cool. 

Today was kind of a rough day for both Joel and I. My younger sister who lives in Florida with her husband and two boys have been here for the past three weeks due to a few different family events going on but flew back home yesterday morning. Joel really has a special attachment to his Aunt Lindsay and kept asking to go see her today and wanted her to go to the park too but is too young to grasp the concept that she doesn't live here and she had to go back home. I know that we are not the only family that is scattered and many people have family much farther away than we do, but it is really difficult and I miss her so much. It makes it even harder now that we both have kids of our own. It really breaks my heart when he gets so worked up from not understanding as to why we can't just jump in the car and go visit Aunt Lindsay. I can remember my mom telling my sister and I all the time growing up that someday we would be best friends and appreciate each other. We used to argue that we would never be best friends but mom was right. Never take your family for granted and always say "I love you". You never know what tomorrow will bring and you don't want to have regrets. 

Here we go...

Well it is my first official "blogging" experience so bear with me. I have been following a few different blogs for a couple of months now and after months of pushing and prodding from my husband to start my own, here I am. I don't know who will follow it but that's o.k. If anything I guess it will be used as a journal for myself and my husband to read. So a little bit about the title, everything in my life has been such a beautiful, God given blessing. My husband Jay is my high school sweetheart and we have been married now for almost 4 years. We have two beautiful babies, Joel who is 2 1/2 and Caroline is 7 months so it is quite busy around our household but thats the way we like it. Jay works for a local college as a graphic designer and the online admissions director. He also has a home based business that keeps him busy in his "free time" called Monkey Media Productions. Joel is a typical 2 1/2 year old boy... loud, busy and full of life. He is our comical relief in the things that he says and does. He loves all sports, especially golf (go figure). Our "Sweet Caroline" is a little girly girl and loves nothing more than to be cuddled with and talked to. She is a lot more laid back than her older brother and is happy to just sit and take in her surroundings. I am fortunate enough to be able to stay home with the kids and invest my time in them. It is the most rewarding ,but difficult jobs at times but I wouldn't trade it for the world. We love to take random road trips to anywhere and try something new. We are Ohio State University football junkies making Fall our favorite season and Saturday our favorite day. We are involved with different activities at our church and strive to raise our children in a way that is pleasing to the Lord and will bring him glory. Family is very important to us and we are pretty fortunate to have most of our family close. Well, that is a little bit about our family and myself but for now it is time to go as I hear Caroline jabbering away up in her crib ready to get up and play! Thanks for joining me and have a great day!

Emily